YOU WANNA HELP THIS ATROPHIED BEAST FOR MONEY?!
Well hello there! I am a student/resident at Mount Royal University, and I am on the hunt for a caregiver. While my brain is allegedly fully functioning (experimental data begs to differ even when medicated), my muscles have decided to take an extended hiatus and are generally useless (SMA Type 2). But good news: I have you! At this point in the ad you probably want me to stop rambling and get to the description. Double good news: I shall.

Boring Details
-10:00 PM to 9:00 AM
-$243.1 per shift (that means you'll wake up with 243.1 more monies than you started with)
-Monday and Tuesday nights (some flexibility available; still apply!)
-At MRU residence

Whatever Shall You Do For Me?
-Roll me over at night (think a charismatic corpse or a nearly conversational noodle)
-Basic exercises/stretches (or at least that's what I tell my doctor)
-Shower me and assorted personal hygienic tasks
-Cooking (aren't blessed by the Culinary Gods? Fear not for I shall provide recipes!)
-Light cleaning
-Get paid to sleep. Now isn't that a dream come true? Bonus: you get paid to dream new dreams :)

When does this dream job begin? Mid May!
Any gender accepted! Strong preference for those who can lift me. I am 120-130 lbs. So ideally you're jacked out of your goddamn mind (sorta).

So, there you have it! Are you brave enough to join me on my quest for a decent night's sleep? You are?! Well then, I shall see you at the interview, valued comrade!

PLEASE SEND ME YOUR RESUME (that was in all caps for the people who can't follow directions): ishanmanerikar@gmail.com
When you call please mention you found this ad listing on OKz.ca